How to read classic behaviour in a game full of prima donnas

We saw it dozens, nay hundreds of times in last year’s FIFA World Cup: The ball flies to the international player, within cooee of the goal, as the crowd gives full throat to their ecstasy. He expertly takes control of the flying orb, and starts to move with magic in every step, his genius on full display. He shimmies right, shimmies left, twists and turns, while still miraculously keeping control of the ball. He’s bamboozled one player, now two, now THREE! He’s through into open space! He has only the goalie to beat, as the crowd screams in anticipation! He draws back his mighty right foot and kicks … only to see the ball fly like a cannonball, just centimetres above the net, as the crowd groans.

Lionel Messi.Credit:AP

And what now?

The player’s hands shoot to the top of his head, and stay there for several seconds. He looks as if he has just run over his own grandmother. All of them do it. Every. Single. Time.

They miss. Their hands fly to their head: Lionel Messi. Cristiano Ronaldo. Neymar. All those other boogers, too.

Now, ask yourself. Why this particular “hands on the head” gesture? What is it all about?

The New York Times gave an answer in July:
It has nothing to do with soccer and everything to do with the human psyche, according to zoologists, psychologists and others who study such things. The gesture signifies that ‘‘you know you messed up,’’ said Jessica Tracy, a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia. ‘‘It’s going to tell others, ‘I get it and I’m sorry, therefore you don’t have to kick me out of the group, you don’t have to kill me’.”

Fabulous, yes?

I love that kind of stuff! It is not just about sport, but about deeply rooted human behaviour, that goes back millennia.

So here, in the interests of exploring this a little wider, let’s look at other classic behaviours in this World Cup, how you can interpret them, and what the real meaning is. For these behaviours too, really are deeply rooted.

The jersey yank-off, after scoring the goal: “That was me, me, me! Did ya see me? Did ya see me? Can’t get enough of me? Me, neither! So look at these ABS, as I peel my shirt off!’’
Real meaning: “Please love me more, than ever. I know I do!”

The running away from everyone, after scoring the goal: “Get AWAY from me, you glory-stealing bastards! You didn’t score the goal, I did! Stop hogging my camera time. I am going to run for about 20 metres, so the cameras can soak me up from every angle, and then, and only then, will I fall to the ground, so you can publicly bury me in your own adoration.”
Real meaning: “Please love me more, than ever. I know I do!”

The sign of the cross, and the point to the heavens, after scoring the goal: “Good on you, God! Some think you should have been concentrating on fixing world hunger and ridding us of Mark Latham, but you and I both know that you rewarded ME, for being such a good egg, by sending that goal my way! You have blessed ME, and I really humbly, thank you.”
Real meaning: “Please love me more, than ever. I know I do!”

The goalie glaring at his full-backs, after retrieving the ball from the net: “You miserable bastards! Call yourselves full-backs? Call yourselves defenders? How CAN I work like this? I am seriously not sure I want to play in a game where fools like you are all I have between me and these marauding mongrels, and the reason I am glaring at you and shaking my sorry head – like, every single time I have to get the ball out of the net – is because I want to make it absolutely clear that I personally could have done no more, and it’s all your fault.”
Real meaning: “Please hate them more, than ever. I know I do!”

The writhing in agony, after a tiny tap in the vague vicinity of my leg: “Those MONSTERS! Did you see what they did to me? Can I have a penalty please, ref? Look, I know those league players in Origin can get cut in two by tackles literally 20 times more brutal than that tiny tap, and get up without blinking, but they are Neanderthals. I am Mozart in short shorts and soccer boots, and you must expect me to be more sensitive to these things.”
Real meaning: “Please love me more than ever. I know I do!”

Class act

Sitting in the members area at the SFS for the Ireland-Wallabies Test, reader Paul Rheinberger enjoyed the match, if not the result, and bopped along with the best of them to Johnny Farnham and
AC/DC tunes during breaks in play. And most, too, enjoyed Jimmy Barnes doing his anthem, Working Class Man, as it was piped around the ground to a raucous crowd response. At its conclusion, however, Rheinberger reports, “a lone voice from the back stalls chirps up with ‘There are no working-class men here!’”

St Louis Cardinals Mark McGwire hits his 70th home run.Credit:Reuters

On the ball

The ESPN Sports Business reporter Darren Rovell put out an interesting tweet in September, noting the 20th anniversary of the day that the St Louis Cardinals baseball slugger Mark McGwire – powered by steroids as it later turned out – broke the single-season home-run record by belting his 70th. The ball bounced out of one fan’s hands, bounced out of another’s and was finally caught by a 17-year old fan, Phil Ozersky, who at the time was earning chump change stacking shelves. The Cardinals asked him for the ball, and offered in return a signed bat, ball and jersey. But Ozersky wanted one more thing. Yup, he told the Cardinals he wanted to meet McGwire to shake his hand. McGwire was too much of a big shot, busy hitting more big shots over fences, and said ‘‘no’’. So three months later, Ozersky sold the ball for $US3 million ($4.3m), bought a house for his handicapped father, gave six-figure sums to charity, married his high-school sweetheart and went on to live happily ever after.
Ain’t sport grand?

What They Said

Anthony Mundine: “Now having looked back at the fight, Ireally feel he caught me early, through God’s will. I truly believe God has put me in this predicament for a reason.” As near as I can follow, that reason is so that Mundine can make more money through a comeback, so he can give to charity. Mysterious ways, etc …

Nick Kyrgios on falling out of the top 50, following his loss in the second round in that Brissie tournament: ‘‘I honestly could not care less.”

Nick Kyrgios.Credit:AAP

Andrew Johns, this week: “I’ve got some medical stuff going on. They’re seizures that have been going on a while. I’m seeing the right doctors and they are doing all the tests and have got me on medication.”

US President Donald Trump tweets in late June: “Just watched @SharkGregNorman on @foxandfriends. Said ‘President is doing a great job. All over the world, people want to come back to the U.S.’ Thank you Greg, and you’re looking and doing great!” Shoot me.

Brad Fittler: “Jake Trbojevic: he was our man. He was the one. He was the f—ing one that got us home. He got our shit sorted, mate.”

When the Socceroos were, as they say, “bundled out of the World Cup”, SBS’s Craig Foster was critical of Dutch Socceroos coach Bert van Marwjik’s overly defensive tactics: “We threw out a plan of four years and went with a completely different strategy and in the end, we should be looking at it and saying, ‘When we went at these teams, we showed that we could do it,’ but we didn’t do it enough. That wasn’t the Australian way, no.”

Neil Mitchell on 3AW: “It’s time we give up. Socceroos coach Bert van Marwijk says this shouldn’t be viewed as failure. Well then, what the hell is it, and who are you kidding? Every four years we invest emotion and optimism in failure. It is expensive and continually disappointing.”

Panama coach Hernan Gomez, after his side went down 6-1 to England in the World Cup. “I’m proud it wasn’t worse. After it was 5-0 at half-time it could have been a catastrophe.”

The Falkland Islands tweets, after Argentina narrowly went down to France in the World Cup and were knocked out. “Don’t cry 4-3 Argentina.” Ouch.

Jana Pittman, in her fourth year of medical studies, at the age of 36. “I have been very involved with patients recently. I’ve been delivering babies, doing prenatal check-ups and talking to pregnant women about high-risk factors to look for. I’ve actually started to feel like a doctor.” Who knew? Impressive.

Team of the Year

Women’s sport. In Australia, had the best year since forever, moving forward on all fronts, across all disciplines and most particularly in terms of public interest and acclaim. In the likes of cricket, football, AFL and netball they are drawing large crowds and generating serious coin.

Billy Slater. Took over the captaincy for Queensland, replacing the injured Greg Inglis, in his 31st and final Origin appearance.

Nerlens Noel. In June 2017, in the NBA off-season, the basketballer was offered $70m over four years to sign with Dallas Mavericks. He turned it down, knowing he was worth more. In June 2018 he signed for $3.5m over two years, with the Oklahoma City Thunder.

Paddy Cohen. Playing OzTag up Gosford way, had been trying the chip-and-chase over the last few decades. Last year it finally worked and he scored. Wild scenes!

West Coast Eagles. AFL premiers, after beating valiant Magpies.

David Fifita. First man born in the 2000s to play NRL football.

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