Think you know your stuff? Try our wickedly irreverent quiz of 2021
Who is the new Minister for Twerk and Pensions? And why is Holly Willoughby over the moon? Find out in our wickedly irreverent quiz of the year
1: What nickname did Boris Johnson give Michael Gove after he was filmed dancing in an Aberdeen nightclub?
a) West Side Tory
b) Jon Bon Govy
c) Minister for Twerk and Pensions
d) Magic Mike
2: What did Boris Johnson say in his less-than-Churchillian speech to the CBI last month?
a) ‘Vroom, vroom brah brah’
b) ‘Hands up who’s been to Peppa Pig World’
c) ‘You all look far too young and thrusting’
d) All of the above
3: What weighed in at 12,216 words?
a) Boris Johnson’s answer when asked a simple ‘yes or no’ question on Newsnight
b) Keir Starmer’s chin-stroking treatise about the state of Labour which somehow failed to electrify the electorate
c) The full list of options for the ‘gender’ question on Kent University’s job application form
d) The terms and conditions on software for the new iPhone 13, which no one has ever read
4: Dominic Cummings said it was ‘completely crazy’ that who should ever have been in a senior position?
a) Dominic Cummings
b) Dominic Raab
c) Priti Patel
d) Gareth Southgate
What nickname did Boris Johnson give Michael Gove after he was filmed dancing in an Aberdeen nightclub?
5: Which of these did ‘Dim’ Dom Raab not say this year?
a) ‘The sea was actually closed’
b) The police ‘don’t normally look back and investigate things that have taken place a year ago’
c) ‘Misogyny is absolutely wrong, whether it’s a man against a woman or a woman against a man’
d) Describing those who need food banks as just having ‘a cashflow problem’
6: How did Rishi Sunak reveal he starts each day?
a) A 6am cycle workout listening to Britney Spears
b) An hour on a stretching device, trying to grow taller
c) Recording brand-building Instagram videos, lip-synching to Cardi B
d) Plotting. Always plotting
7: What did Matt Hancock reportedly ask to be called before being caught out over his lockdown-busting embrace with aide Gina Coladangelo?
a) Matt Hands-Cock
b) The Lateral Flothario
c) The Minister for Hugs
d) The Clinch Who Stole Christmas
8: Which great thinker, for ever linked with a pig, did Boris Johnson quote when he addressed the United Nations?
a) David Cameron
b) George Orwell
c) A. A. Milne
d) Kermit The Frog
BY ROYAL DISAPPOINTMENT
9: Which of Prince Philip’s wishes for his funeral was granted?
a) ‘Just stick me in the back of a Land Rover and drive me to Windsor’
b) No prayers in Latin, because ‘those ancient Eye-ties were just a bunch of poncey dormice- munching toga-lifters’
c) Ashes to be sent to Martin Bashir so he could ‘haunt that devious slimeball’ after he was dead
d) Choir to sing ‘my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard’ as mourners file in
HOW DID YOU DO?
0-15: You are wildly out of touch with what is going on. Take your seat on the Labour front bench.
16-25: You have a vague clue about the news, but are almost wilfully ill informed about the details. Are you Piers Corbyn?
26-40: A good score worthy of a well-rounded individual – though a few more hours of scrolling through Twitter will drum that out of you.
41-50: Excellent stuff. You must have been reading your Mail on Sunday from cover to cover every week.
More than 50: You’ve clearly lied and cheated and bent the rules, since there are only 50 questions. Take your seat in Boris Johnson’s Cabinet.
10: In a heavyweight interview with, erm, James Corden, Prince Harry revealed Meghan’s pet name for him was what?
a) Woke-amon Go
c) Macho Man (which sounds good, but actually stands for Male Anglo-Saxon Cisgendered Heterosexual Oppressor
d) Meal Ticket
11: Which ultra-rate piece of royal memorabilia sold for £1,850 at auction?
a) Drop of Prince Andrew’s sweat
b) Picture of Princess Anne smiling
c) A 40-year-old slice of Charles and Diana’s wedding cake
d) The ‘Humps ahead’ sign from the car park where Richard III was found
12: What faux pas did President Biden commit in front of Camilla at the COP26 summit?
a) Call her the Duchess of Sussex
b) Break wind
c) Gave her his empty wine glass, thinking she was a waitress
d) Tried to chat her up with the line: ‘If I was 30 years younger, I’d… what did I come in here for again?’
13: What title did Harry and Meghan reportedly reject for Archie, and why?
a) The Earl of Dumbarton because it contains the word ‘dumb’
b) Protector And Treasurer of the Royal Order of Lincolnshire – as Prince Archie Windsor would then have had to initial documents PAW PATROL
c) The Duke of Windsor, since that was also the the pub where Meghan met Piers Morgan
d) Prince of Dorset, since they didn’t want him to be linked to an earthly place, instead suggesting the more ethereal ‘Prince Of Empathy’ had a nice ring to it…
14: Meghan released a children’s book (£12.99 for 169 words) about what?
a) A park bench
b) Paint drying
c) A princess with a superpower: the ability to ‘forget’ the truth when it’s convenient
d) The importance of the father-daughter bond
BRITAIN AT ITS BEST – AND WORST
15: What was the name of the BBC reporter covering September’s fuel crisis that caused such mirth?
a) Dee Sell
b) Phil McCann
c) Gaz O’Lean
d) Emma Titanke
16: What cost £6 million and was described as the worst experience in London?
a) A round of drinks at the O2 Arena
b) The Museum of Brexit, where you can shake hands with an animatronic Lord Frost
c) The Cressida Dick underground roller-coaster, where riders somehow cling on despite plummeting ever lower at a dizzying speed
d) The Marble Arch Mound, likened to a Teletubby hill
17: Who was kicked out of a pub in Bath?
a) A Jane Austen re-enactment group for getting into a fist fight
b) The Bishop of Bath and Wells for wearing trainers
c) Sir Keir Starmer for supporting lockdown
d) Sir David Attenborough, as he didn’t have ID showing he was over 18
18: What was unusual about this year’s UK town-crier championship?
a) It was held in silence
b) The traditional bell was replaced with the FaceTime ringtone to reflect the video-conferencing era
c) Cries had to be accompanied with raunchy dance moves to appeal to the TikTok generation
d) Each contestant had to announce news, then change it to the exact opposite to mimic the constant Government U-turns
What was the most complained about moment on the BBC this year?
19: What attracted the greatest number of complaints the BBC has ever received?
a) Disappointing ending to Line Of Duty when Ted Hastings revealed that bent copper H was… ‘Rebekah Vardy’s account’
b) Wall-to-wall coverage of Prince Philip’s death
c) Radio 4 uses a sound effect of the wrong type of combine-harvester in The Archers
d) Not reporting that the Omicron variant was created by Bill Gates to make us all have boosters to update the operating system of the 5G microchips that the first jabs injected.
20: Which of these was not fined by cops for breaking Covid rules at the height of lockdown?
a) A couple eating their packed lunch in their vehicle in a seaside car park 15 miles from home
b) Bank robbers, whose balaclava masks did not cover their mouths
d) Twelve ghost-hunters investigating a ‘haunted’ house
c) A man caught sitting naked in his car who told them he’d nipped out to buy a pack of wet wipes
21: What culinary phrase did food blogger Chaheti Bansa say should be cancelled?
a) Eton mess, as it makes incompetent privilege sound delicious
b) Daddies Sauce for propping up the toxic patriarchy
c) Curry, for having racist overtones
d) Boiled egg and soldiers, for its tacit support of military-enforced colonialism, normalising the aggressive pillage of the egg’s gooey treasures by the invading crusty troops
22: What did Church of England vicar Jarel Robinson-Brown call ‘a cult of white British nationalism’?
a) The Church of England
b) Far-Right group Britain First
c) The Great British Bake Off
d) The nation’s love of Captain Tom
23: Why was a planned D-Day re-enactment axed?
a) Sand was a ‘health and safety’ issue
b) Because it was deemed offensive for anyone to dress up as a Nazi
c) Lack of trans women taking part breached the local council’s representation quotas
d) The French thought it was a real invasion as part of the fishing dispute
A WORLD OF STUPIDITY
Trump supporters storm the Capitol in Washington on January 6 2021
24: How did one of the protesters who stormed the US Capitol on January 6 die?
a) Suffocated after wrapping himself too tightly in the Stars and Stripes
b) Fatally tasered himself in the genitals
c) Trampled to death while carrying a ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ flag
d) Caught hypothermia, since she was wearing just a T-shirt to exercise her right to bare arms
25: Which of these was correctly blamed for the Ever Given cargo ship getting stuck in the Suez Canal in March?
a) A woman driver
b) Pharaoh’s curse
c) A sandstorm
d) Blockade by French fishermen
26: What health advice did the US government have to issue this year?
a) Don’t use a handgun to remove a tooth
b) Don’t kiss live chickens
c) Hand sanitiser is not the basis for a delicious cocktail
d) McDonald’s burger wrappers are no substitute for condoms
27: The council in Fremantle, Australia, banned cats from being outside unless… what?
a) They were on a lead
b) They could prove they had no part in the movie version of Cats
c) They had an Instagram account with at least 12 adorable pictures
d) They had a Covid ‘pass-pawt’
Joe Biden had an awkward moment involving the Australian prime minister this year
28: How did Joe Biden refer to Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison after apparently forgetting his name?
a) That fella Down Under
b) Crocodile DunNothing
c) Brucie McChunder-Barbie
d) Dame Edna Average
29: How did Australians rename shark attacks to avoid scaring tourists?
a) Interactive Jaws experience
b) ‘Negative encounters’
c) ‘Bitey Shark doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Bitey Shark’
d) Involuntary nourishment of the marine environment
30: What job title did Elon Musk officially give himself at electric vehicle firm Tesla?
a) Evil Genius
c) Almighty Elon, Conqueror Of Worlds, Commander Of Destinies, Destroyer Of Dreams, and Deputy Line Manager of Doom
d) Spaceman \0/
31: Which of these did Ikea launch in the US?
a) Marriage guidance booths in its stores for when arguments over whether to get the Nördthrumb or the Unkkruber got too much
b) Self-assembly assault rifles
c) Meatball scented candles
d) The Trümpp range of furniture that always had a few screws loose
32: Why did Marks & Spencer’s Colin The Caterpillar get involved in a legal battle this year?
a) To fight food labelling laws that would have required a prominent sticker saying: ‘Contains no actual caterpillar meat’
b) An American called Colin D. Caterpillar III claimed the cake had made him a laughing stock
c) The store claimed Aldi’s rival Cuthbert The Caterpillar was a rip-off
d) It didn’t: Colin’s a larva not a fighter
MEANWHILE, ON PLANET CELEBRITY
33: Kate Winslet demanded the director of her TV drama Mare of Easttown reinstate footage from a sex scene that showed… what?
a) Her ‘bulgy bit of belly’
b) The dog that wandered on set and started licking her feet
c) Her yawning
d) That she accidentally called her co-star ‘Sam’, the name of her ex-husband
34: What did Victoria Beckham reveal she would sometimes eat as a treat?
a) A couple of blades of grass
b) Dry toast with salt
c) One grain of ‘hundreds and thousands’… but she doesn’t know what the singular is
d) An ice cube made from Himalayan-filtered spring water that had been told about the concept of flavour
35: What unusual feature did supermodel Cara Delevingne have installed in her new bathroom?
a) Two toilets so she could chat to a pal while using them
b) A robot to scrape the dead skin off her feet, known as the Derminator
c) A professional recording studio, so she can release her singing in the shower as an album
d) Cat bidet
36: What did Amol Rajan accidentally tweet after landing a job on Radio 4’s Today programme?
a) ‘It’s great to woke the nation up every morning’
b) ‘I’ve got a huge amount to earn’
c) ‘I’ve always wanted to work with Anne Robinson’
d) ‘Proletariat of Britain, unite to crush the tyranny of Monarchy!’
Nicki Minaj (left) caused quite a stir with her comments on the Covid vaccine this year
37: Rapper Nicki Minaj said she was hesitant about taking the Covid vaccine because of what ‘scientific evidence’?
a) A bouncer at one of her gigs said his brother’s mate is in the CIA and told him vaccines are nanobots that make you vote for Joe Biden
b) Her cousin’s friend blamed it for making his testicles swell up
c) Her holistic healing crystal consultant told her that they contain Higgs bosons that warp your aura
d) Because the virus was the great God Anjimi’s way of selecting the chosen people to enter the Blessed Realm of Eternal Bliss and she didn’t want to miss out
38: Why was it revealed this year that Paddy McGuinness wouldn’t be welcome at Pontin’s?
a) Because the holiday camps put several Irish surnames on a discriminatory blacklist, including his
b) Because last time he was there he drunkenly peed on the children’s play equipment, saying: ‘How’s this for a water slide?’
c) Because bosses heard he was involved with Top Gear and thought that meant he was a drug dealer.
d) Because he stole his ‘no likey’ catchphrase from their TripAdvisor reviews
39: What did Holly Willoughby say ‘has always been a trusted constant’ as she launched her own lifestyle brand?
a) Phillip Schofield
b) Her cleavage
c) The Moon
40: What dull achievement did Gareth Wild complete after six years?
a) Published a book of all the Shipping Forecasts ever aired on Radio 4
b) Parked in all 211 bays in the car park of his local Sainsbury’s
c) Created a life-size model of Jacob Rees-Mogg made only from chewing-gum he found under bus seats.
d) Collect the autographs of the head of recycling services from every local authority in England and Wales
41: Which of these is NOT a genuine piece of scientific research that won an Ignoble Prize?
a) Orgasms are as good as decongestants if you have a blocked nose
b) Men may have evolved to grow beards to help cushion the impact of punches to the face
c) It is safer to transport rhinoceroses upside-down
d) That eating Monster Munch can combat Covid – but only pickled-onion flavour
42: What inscription did a Church of England judge allow on a gravestone?
a) Anti-vaxxer till I die!
b) To infinity and beyond
c) If you can read this, you’re standing on my balls
d) This place will be death of me
43: What has not been made into a terrible 2022 calendar?
a) Jack Grealish’s calves
b) The benches of Redditch
c) The world’s greatest mullet haircuts
d) The hunky protesters from Insulate Britain
44: Who were Hugh Janus and Tess Tegal?
a) Ukraine’s Eurovision entry
b) Diplomatic protection squad codenames for Emmanuel and Brigitte Macron when they made an official visit to London
c) Viewers with fake names who made it to air on GB News
d) The candidates for Ukip and the Green Party in the London mayoral election
45: How did a goat called Lola earn about £50,000?
a) By being hired out to jazz up Zoom meetings in lockdown
b) Awarded a Test and Trace contract by Dido Harding
c) Cast in a seasonal Dickensian play after the director misheard the phrase ‘the ghost of Christmas past’
46: Which of these was invented this year to help keep men cool in the summer?
a) ‘Man fans’, like normal hand-held fans but with pictures of Lamborghinis on them
b) Freezable boxer shorts called Snowballs
c) Mascu-liner, a water-cooled inlay for face coverings
d) Shampoo mixed with de-icer, marketed as Hair Conditioning
QUESTIONS OF SPORT
Cristiano Ronaldo caused momentary concern for Coca-Cola this year, do you remember how?
47: At the Euros, England fans adopted an anthem inspired by the child of a US President. Which?
a) Jack Carter and Hit The Road Jack
b) Caroline Kennedy and Sweet Caroline
c) Chelsea Clinton and Chelsea Till I Die
d) Ivanka Trump and The Referee’s Ivanka
48: How did Paul Gascoigne try to ingratiate himself with fellow contestants as he entered Italy’s version of I’m A Celebrity…?
a) By dressing as Super Mario
b) By trying to speak the language, but what he actually said translates as: ‘Fishing good me, very good me. Hands fish my, team hungry me’
c) By bringing them pasta… well, Lidl own-brand spaghetti hoops
d) By telling them he loved Italians like Penelope Cruz (who’s actually Spanish)
49: How did Cristiano Ronaldo knock $4 billion off Coca-Cola’s share price?
a) By peeing into a vat at the factory
b) By moving the drink off-camera at a press conference for the Euros, which Coke sponsored
c) By saying ‘Yeah fine, whatever mate, it’s all same’ when a barman asked him: ‘We don’t have Coke, is Pepsi OK?’
d) By claiming Dele Ali drank it
50: Which of these did heavyweight Tyson Fury NOT say this year?
a) ‘I had 14 pints of Foster’s and then sparred three top-ten heavyweights – and battered them all’
b) ‘I’ve got the biggest balls in the history of our sport’
c) ‘Even when [Deontay Wilder] goes to sleep at night with his Missus, he’s thinking about Tyson Fury’
d) ‘Fighting never solved anything’
The answers: 1 b. 2 d. 3 b. 4 a. 5 d (Raab said that in 2017). 6 a. 7 c. 8 d. 9 a. 10 b. 11 c. 12 b. 13 a. 14 a. 15 b. 16 d. 17 c. 18 a. 19 b. 20 b. 21 c. 22 d. 23 a. 24 c. 25 c. 26 b. 27 a. 28 a. 29 b. 30 b. 31 c. 32 c. 33 a. 34 b. 35 a. 36 b. 37 b. 38 a. 39 c 40 b. 41 d. 42 b. 43 d. 44 c. 45 a. 46 b. 47 b. 48 b. 49 b. 50 d.
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