Lock up at-risk fatties ’til they lose weight, and start with me…

THERE are many opinions on how we should tackle the coronavirus until a vaccine goes public.

Some argue that we should just open up the pubs and the cinemas, abandon social distancing and put up with the consequences.

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But we read this week about a chap in Wales who had to be held up at the funeral of his wife and two sons who’d all died from the virus within days of each other. 

And I’m sorry but if we just opened everything up again and pretended ­nothing was happening, I fear we’d be reading heartbreaking stories like that every day.

You then have those who want the ­Government to shut the schools and force everyone to hide under their beds. I’m not sure the economy could survive that.

Then you get the loonies who say there’s no virus at all and the whole ­pandemic is a plot designed by Boris, or the Chinese, or space aliens, to turn us into worker bees, or food, or robots.

The only thing you never hear anyone say is: “I think the current government measures are working well.” And that, of course, is because they’re not.

They’re idiotic and no one I know is taking a blind bit of notice.


One of the suggestions I’ve heard quite often is that we should lock up the nation’s old people, as they are the most at risk, so that ­everyone else can fill their lives with big nights out, casual sex and football.

But that won’t work because what’s “old”? Some people when they’re 70 can run up a mountain while others spend all day sitting in their inconti-panties, on a wipe-down chair, drooling. What might work, however, is locking up the other vulnerable group — the fat.

Fatness can easily be measured. It can even be seen. So anyone who’s obese is forced to spend all day doing star-jumps and sit-ups at home, until they are not fat any more.

It’s easy to enforce. You just get the police to make people stand on weighing scales in town centres and anyone who’s overweight is sent home.

This would cut the number of fatalities, save the NHS, address the obesity crisis which is plaguing the nation and cause the weak-minded who over-eat to get a grip.

Speaking as someone who is fat, I know that if I was sitting at home while my friends were in the pub or at the football, and that I couldn’t join them until I’d lost the gut, I’d teach myself to survive on nothing but weeds and seeds.

And I’d lose two stone in a week.

Messiah Marcus?

HAVING provided free food for all of ­Britain’s children, Marcus Rashford is now urging kids to read something more ­challenging than the microwave instructions on a bag of frozen chips. The man is also a ­talented footballer. 

I’m not sure, but we’ve been waiting 2,000 years for the ­second coming. Has it arrived and we missed it?

Lambos for cops

PICTURE the scene. You’re in urgent need of a kidney transplant and you’re told that a suitable organ has been found. But it’s 300 miles away and no helicopters are available.

In Britain, you’d be screwed.

But not in Italy, where police have a fleet of Lamborghini Huracans. With cold boxes in the luggage compartment to keep organs fresh.

This means that last week, they were able to cover the 300-mile journey from just ­outside Venice to Rome at an AVERAGE speed of 145mph.

And that meant the patient can now look forward to a long and happy life.

As I’ve always said, speed is good, speed is right, speed works.

Damned lies and statistics

TWENTY eight per cent of men questioned for a new survey said that they had, at some point in their lives, exceeded 100mph on the motorway.

This is staggering. Because what it means is that 72 per cent were lying.

And women fared even more badly because when they were asked the same question, 91 per cent lied.

US cops take eye off the ball

IT’S often been said that if you give policemen guns and dress them up like a special forces hit team, they will behave like a special forces hit team.

Which is probably why the American police end up kneeling on people’s necks until they are dead.

I saw a photograph this week of some American riot cops and they were dressed like they were taking on the Terminator. 

The only problem was that if you look carefully, you’ll notice that their Kevlar body armour covered every part of their bodies . . . apart from their meat and two veg.

Which means they could survive an explosion but not a well-aimed kick.

Be like Sir Humphrey

A SENIOR civil ­servant who resigned from the Home Office in a huff has said that his former boss, Priti Patel, was ­horrid.

Sir Philip Rutnam went on the news this week to say she used to shout and swear and that she was frightening . . . and at this point I did start to think: “Oh for God’s sake, you’re a grown man – grow a pair.”

Everyone who’s seen Sir Humphrey in Yes ­Minister knows that it’s a civil servant’s job to stop ministers from doing ­anything.

They have to accept that ministers will find this frustrating and that some of the more volatile ones will occasionally resort to a bit of full-volume swearing.

Live with it.

Power trip so pricey

SO now we know. Just nine years from now, we will no longer be able to buy a new car powered by petrol or diesel. 

And five years after that, we won’t be able to buy a hybrid either.

Yup, even the Toyota Prius will be confined to the history books.

This is great news for the mine owners in countries like the Democratic Republic of the Congo, whose cobalt is used to make the batteries in electric cars. It’s less good news though for the children who work there.

It’s also not good news for Britain’s motorists because electric cars are eye-wateringly expensive. 

I drove an electric Peugeot the other day that costs £10,000 more than the version that ran on petrol.

There are practical issues too because at present there are 30,000 charge points in the UK.

But when everyone has an electric car, we will need millions of the damn things. And where exactly is all this electricity going to come from?

At the moment, our wind farms and our nuclear and ordinary power stations can only just keep up with demand. So how will they cope when people need to charge up their laptops, their phones AND their cars every night? 

The simple answer is: they won’t.

Silly sausage

A GERMAN schoolteacher has been arrested on suspicion of murdering his homosexual lover and then eating the body.

Apparently, the Berlin police checked out the browsing history on his computer and noted that, prior to the murder, he’d been online to see whether you could survive if you cut off your own penis.

I’m sorry. Really? There’s a website for people who want to cut off their own genitals. It’s an actual thing? Why? 

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