Super Bowl Pitches That Aren’t ‘SOO Good!’

ATLANTA — The Super Bowl is a bonanza for brands, advertisers and influencers. The prospect of attaching even the most unrelated product to the biggest television spectacle of the year means marketers are out hawking massage chairs, avocados and social media apps as somehow the perfect Super Bowl #content.

You might not see any of this in the slew of commercials during CBS’s broadcast of Sunday’s game; the network expects to earn $500 million on game day from the $5 million or more advertisers are paying for 30-second spots.

Instead, the truly nonsensical advertising dies in the inboxes of the reporters it is mass emailed to.

Until now. Here is a sampling of what we are pitched.

Names have been withheld to protect the innocent — and to avoid being hit up again.

Subject Line: Watch The Super Bowl LIII Without Any Stress This Year!

“Outfit your living room with [$4,000 massage chair] and you can tune into the game in complete relaxation — it’s the ultimate lounge chair upgrade.”

My couch cost way less, and is pretty dang comfortable. Also, is a massage chair really the best place to watch the Super Bowl? You’ll be drinking beer, eating snacks and hopefully jumping out of your seat at the great plays; does Cheetos dust ruin massage chairs?

Subject Line: [Jeans Company] and [Meat Company] Tap Former Pro Athletes at Super Bowl

“These are just two ways [advertising company] is creating memorable experiences at one at one of the world’s largest sports events to engage and influence consumers without breaking the bank.”

This isn’t even a pitch to cover the jeans company and meat company that are hosting “activations” at the Super Bowl, which would at least make a little bit of sense. No, it is a pitch to cover the “integrated marketing agency” behind these two companies.

I don’t know what any of those words mean, either.

Subject Line: Game Day Never Looked + Felt SOO Good!

“[Company] is launching [product] for your guac dips! No more browning! FIELD GOAL!”

In the interest of transparency, there is also a football emoji at the end of this subject line.

A lot of snack-related products are pitched around the Super Bowl, which makes plenty of sense. Now I’m not a food writer, but I am a Californian and feel as if I have a certain amount of guacamole expertise. Browning is not a problem! For one, guacamole never remains uneaten for more than about five minutes. But if you’re really concerned, squeeze a bit of citrus and leave the pit in the guacamole. Problem solved. Field goal!

Subject Line: Super Bowl commercials could have some competition — Teenage gamers & their fans

“But what could be more interesting than the Super Bowl? Video games — that’s what.”

I like video games, but they aren’t more interesting than the Super Bowl.

Subject Line: Tiger Touchdown: Rescued big cats enjoy their own Su-purr Bowl!

“Tigers saved from circuses in Guatemala by [nonprofit] are having a ball in the buildup to Super Bowl LIII this Sunday.”

There is some video of tigers in this email and it is very cute, at least as cute as animals that can rip your head off can be. This is a strange, derivative pitch; it’s almost like a wild cat version of the Puppy Bowl, which is also cute and also has nothing to actually do with the Super Bowl except that it’s on television the same day.

Subject Line: Super Bowl coverage/[Author] available for interviews

“As you are planning your Super Bowl coverage, I wanted to let you know that (author of book) is available for interviews next week in DC and NYC.”

In this publicist’s defense, this author is quite knowledgeable and his book is very interesting and relevant to the Super Bowl. How do I know this? Because this author is a New York Times employee. I sat next to him in the auxiliary press box at the Super Bowl last year. I think I can get ahold of him if need be.

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