If Felicity Huffman kept a prison diary …
“Desperate Housewives” actress Felicity Huffman was sentenced to 14 days in prison for her part in the college admissions scandal — paying someone to fix her daughter’s standardized test scores. But on Friday she was let out after only 11 days.
A source inside the jail reached out to The Post, saying she had Felicity’s secret “prison diary.” In a world exclusive, we offer these riveting, totally true (completely made-up) excerpts:
Day 1: In the greatest injustice since Jussie Smollett, I’ve been sent to prison. The pasta here isn’t gluten-free. But as the great Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “Only in the darkness can you see the stars.”
Day 2: I keep repeating what Martha Stewart told me: “Don’t let no bitch get up in yo s–t.”
Day 3: . . . turns out that wasn’t green juice.
Day 4: Made my first shiv. Used ripped pages of Mother Jones, a hot glue gun and my own saliva. May not actually puncture skin, but I need to look tough.
Day 5: Powdered milk mixed with water makes a surprisingly good moisturizing mask. Self-care is so important, especially in the clink.
Day 6: Bill came to visit today. My cellmate Olga said she loved him in “Marmaduke.”
Day 7: Is this what Nelson Mandela went through? Note: Can I get an option on a biopic? Call agent.
Day 8: Since I have the most Emmys of any inmate, I volunteered to teach an acting class. The girls performed scenes from my friend David Mamet’s play, “Glengarry Glen Ross,” and I pushed them to really “go there.” Knuckles not only yelled “COFFEE IS FOR CLOSERS!” but also gave Tina second-degree burns.
Day 9: Being in prison is an education you just can’t buy. It’s amazing to see women from all walks of life come together to support each other through tough times, no matter what they did. Nicolette Sheridan should go to prison.
Day 10: After an incident in the yard, they call me Houseknife. Nobody — nobody — f–ks with Houseknife.
Day 11: They’re letting me out early. Thank GOD, I don’t think I could take another day in this hellhole. I now understand the pain of incarceration. I’ll never watch “Orange is the New Black” the same way again. I will carry this scar — and the Ride or Die tattoo — forever. These girls are my family now. When they get out, I’ll get them into Dartmouth. #RESIST
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