I have a passionate relationship with my lover but he could be getting married
DEAR DEIDRE: MY lover and I have a passionate relationship and know we are right for each other.
But his partner wants them to marry in June and he reckons it’s easier to go along with it.
I am 45 and married with three lovely kids, aged 16, 14 and 12. My lover is 47.
We have worked together for a number of years at a large supermarket — him in the warehouse, me in the office — and always got on well.
Two years ago we sat on the same table for dinner at the works Christmas night out. We chatted and he put his arm around me.
I had never seen him looking so handsome and he said I looked stunning. It just seemed so natural to kiss and we both knew it was special.
We started meeting after work for a drink before going home. We shared our relationship problems.
His partner is cold and controlling. My husband is a decent man but without a romantic bone in his body. We didn’t have sex for a few months because we both felt too guilty about our other halves.
When we did, it was amazing. We agreed we’d leave our partners to be together but he got cold feet when I found a flat for us.
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He said his partner was suspicious and asking how he clocked up all the miles in his car. She said if she ever found out he was cheating she would kill both of us — and we believe she means it.
She used to work away during the week but is now working from home to keep an eye on him.
She wants them to get married next year on her 40th birthday and is planning their wedding. It’s making me scared for our future.
He says he loves me but that he still has feelings for her. Then last night he said we are too old to make a new start and break so many loved ones’ hearts.
We have called it off before a few times but we always end up back together.
I know we love each other. Is it worth hanging in there in case he leaves her one day?
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DEIDRE SAYS: He says he loves you but he wants to have his cake and eat it. It sounds like you will always be “the other woman” in his life.
Do you really want to remain stuck in this cycle of uncertainty and secrecy?
Tell your lover you will leave him to get on with his marriage plans while you focus on what is not working in your own marriage that made you vulnerable to an affair.
Model the behaviour you want from your husband. Get romantic with him, kiss and cuddle him. He may yet surprise you.
If you have fallen out of love, it is possible to fall back in.
Relationships need to be worked on constantly. My e-leaflet Your Lover Not Free? will help.
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