Dear Coleen: My girlfriend calls and texts her ex all the time

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my girlfriend for six months and we’ve recently moved in together. Before me, she had a long-term relationship with someone and they were together for seven years before splitting a year ago. They’ve stayed in touch and regularly text and call each other.

I’ve mentioned to her a few times that I’m not comfortable with them being so close, but she just says they were together a long time and are best mates. She says it’s hard to just sever that connection, but that she’d never step over the line.

I don’t know whether I’m being paranoid, but I can’t help wondering if he’s not over her and, ultimately, that he wants more than just friendship. We’re about to have a housewarming party and he’ll be there, which I’m not happy about. He’s just ever-present in our lives and I don’t think it’s fair on me and it’s bad for our relationship.

I keep telling myself she wouldn’t be moving in with me if she still had feelings for him, but who knows?

Coleen says

Personally, I don’t think you can stay this close to an ex once you’ve moved on with someone else – you need to think about your partner and how it’s making them feel. And, from your letter, you feel very insecure and suspicious, which isn’t a good foundation for your relationship.

When I met my second husband Ray, I was still in touch with my ex-hubby a lot and, eventually, he asked me to stop the calls and texts.

I had to be honest with myself about how I’d feel if the shoe were on the other foot – I would have hated it and felt very threatened. So put that scenario to your girlfriend and try to get her to see it from your perspective.

It’s completely reasonable not to want her ex in your lives this much. It’s not giving your relationship the chance to grow and develop. You should be her best mate now, not him. And they aren’t just mates – they were together as a couple for seven years.

There should be boundaries or your relationship won’t succeed.

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