CRAIG BROWN: Online yoga? It's too much of a stretch for me

CRAIG BROWN: Online yoga? It’s too much of a stretch for me

  • Here’s how to help people impacted by Covid-19

YOU WANT

To expound on every aspect of coronavirus while everyone else listens to you in respectful silence.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR

Knowing what ‘R’ means.

YOU GET

Into a heated argument with a 12-year-old about whether or not you washed your hands for more than 20 seconds.

YOU WANT

To do the shopping for all your most vulnerable neighbours.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR

Keeping an eye on the elderly lady two doors down.

YOU GET

Annoyed by the sound of the elderly couple next door enjoying their online exercise classes and pop a note through their door asking them to pipe down.

You want to practise online Yoga With Adriene. But you get waylaid into watching a video on YouTube of a goldfish who looks a bit like Alan Sugar.

YOU WANT

To nip up North without too much kerfuffle.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR

Being spotted by a friendly neighbour and exchanging knowing smiles.

YOU GET

Top slot on News At Ten, with film of 60 photographers outside your front door and protesters chanting ‘Hypocrite! Hypocrite!’ while you try to get to your car wearing your least flattering T-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, with MPs and commentators all calling for your resignation.

YOU WANT

A civilised game of Scrabble.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR

A game of Scrabble that doesn’t end in tears.

YOU GET

Out the dictionary and say, ‘As I thought! There’s no such word as “EW”’, whereupon your daughter stomps out of the room saying, ‘That’s so unfair!’ and your son says, ‘Well if she’s not playing, nor am I’ and your wife says, ‘Why do you have to ruin everything?’

YOU WANT

To practise online Yoga With Adriene.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR

Practising online PE with Joe Wicks.

YOU GET

Waylaid into watching a video on YouTube of a goldfish who looks a bit like Alan Sugar.

YOU WANT

To Zoom six close friends and achieve a rare degree of intimacy by sharing your hopes and fears.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR

Zooming two acquaintances and reaching a consensus after 20 minutes that: ‘Yes, but it must be so much worse for large families stuck in high-rise blocks.’

YOU GET

Baffled by which buttons to press and end up failing to hear what they’re all saying because you don’t know how to unmute them.

YOU WANT

To do 25 jump squats in quick succession.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR

Doing five push-ups over a period of five minutes.

YOU GET

The butter out of the fridge, the jam out of the cupboard and the bread from the bread bin.

YOU WANT

To be serene.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR

Being pleasant.

YOU GET

Increasingly irritated by the way your mother-in-law keeps offering magisterial pronouncements on the spread of Covid-19 (‘Of course, everybody knows it’s largely spread through the ankles. I blame the Swedes.’) and end up flouncing out of the room with your hands over your ears screaming: ‘I can’t take much more of this!’

You want a civilised game of Scrabble. But you get out the dictionary and say, ‘As I thought! There’s no such word as “EW”’, whereupon your daughter stomps out of the room saying, ‘That’s so unfair!’

YOU WANT

To lose a stone.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR

Losing a pound.

YOU GET

A thick-crust pizza, six cans of Heineken, two bars of Galaxy and a 12-pack of Walkers crisps.

YOU WANT

To recite a long poem every day from memory.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR

Reciting a short poem every week from memory.

YOU GET

Out your old copy of The Oxford Book Of English Verse, find all the poems a bit too heavy-going, and end up watching old YouTube videos of Alan ‘Chatty Man’ Carr interviewing Sporty Spice.

YOU WANT

To grow sweet peas, petunias and six varieties of rose, as well as a vegetable patch with courgettes, runner beans, tomatoes, carrots, potatoes and cabbages.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR

Mowing the lawn.

YOU GET

A sun-lounger, and put it all off until next week.

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