Bored in the bedroom? 7 simple steps to the sex life you dream of | The Sun
SEXY time feeling stagnant? It’s time to up the passion this Valentine’s Day.
A bit of nooky is not only proven to boost your bond as a couple, but it also lowers stress, reduces the risk of heart disease and, according to researchers at Harvard University, ejaculation can slash men’s risk of prostate cancer by up to 20%.
Most importantly, your time between the sheets should be fun and feel good.
Try not to get hung up on how often you’re getting jiggy – it’s quality, not quantity!
After all, the Archives Of Sexual Behavior found the average adult has sex 54 times a year, so roughly once a week.
Instead, ask yourself how satisfied you are.
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Limor Gottlieb, a doctoral researcher in relationships, says: “It’s normal for passionate, mind-blowing sex to fade in long-term relationships.
“That’s why idealising sex can set you up for failure.”
Also, if you’re going through a stressful time, it is unlikely to be high on your to-do list.
“Instead of striving for perfection, the goal should be to have fun and achieve pleasure,” says Limor.
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Give these tips a try to do just that and let the sparks fly…
Read your rocks off
Dipping into erotic novels can help you discover what you like in bed and how to ask for it during sex.
"Reading to each other can help you understand your sexual desires and how your partner can satisfy them. When sexual ideals are met, your sex life will likely improve,” says Barbara Santini, psychologist and relationship adviser at Peachesandscreams.co.uk.
“Text your partner a line from an erotic novel during the day, when you’re apart or at work, to build excitement.
“Sexting is a good way to explore sexual imagination with your partner. This can increase sexual satisfaction and encourage closeness,” says Barbara.
Limor adds: “The same goes for couples working from home.
“Surprise your partner with a sexy picture or flirty message during the day – especially thrilling when they’re on a long, boring Zoom call.”
•The Spanish Love Deception by Elena Armas (£8.99, Simon & Schuster)
•The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang (£8.99, Corvus)
•The Legacy by Elle Kennedy (£9.99, Bloom Books)
•Punk 57 by Penelope Douglas (£9.99, Piatkus)
Open up outside the boudoir
It sounds simple, but sharing your wants and needs out loud, beyond what’s lacking in bed, can really turn things around when it comes to sex, as it can be hard to open up in the bedroom when there are unresolved issues outside it.
And it needn’t be nerve-wracking.
“It’s best not to make your partner feel ambushed. Tell your partner you need a conversation with them and let them tell you if they are ready, or suggest when they will be ready, for the conversation,” says Barbara.
“When you do sit down for a chat, start by praising your partner for things they do and say, in and out of the bedroom, that make you happy.
“Next, let your partner know how you are feeling, be it sad, lonely, disconnected, worried or frustrated, or a combination. Let’s say you’re feeling disconnected.
“Think about what you need to feel close to your partner – and let them know.
“Next, discuss how your partner can meet your needs.”
That could be more date nights or just 10 minutes after the kids have gone to bed to talk through your day together, rather than switching the telly on immediately.
“Here, you may need to negotiate so that both of you are comfortable as you work towards a resolution,” says Barbara.
Be vocal between the sheets
During sex, it can help to share what you really enjoy and what you want more of.
Pippa Murphy, sex and relationships expert at Condoms.uk, says: “If you’re not open about what feels good and what doesn’t, it’s unlikely either of you will be able to achieve the kind of pleasure you want from the experience.
“So make sure both of you are on board with being vocal during sex.”
Try using words such as “harder” or “slower” so your partner knows exactly what works for you.
Do Your Kegel Exercises
“A strong pelvic floor leads to better sex and deep orgasms,” says Barbara.
Try doing kegel exercises daily with your partner, as women and men can benefit from strengthening their pelvic floor, which is essentially the muscles and ligaments that support the bladder, womb and bowel.
“Doing kegel exercises together has many benefits. For women, it’ll improve your vaginal lubrication and general sexual arousal, both of which make it easier to orgasm. For men, it will make erections firmer as blood flow to the groin improves,” explains Pippa.
Lie back on the ground, lift, hold and squeeze your pelvic muscles for five seconds, then relax.
Repeat this 10-15 times.
Download the Kegel Trainer PFM Exercises app for daily reminders to work your pelvic floor, plus easy exercises you can do on the go.
Move on from missionary
New positions can make your relationship more exciting.
If you’re stuck in missionary, switch to the cowgirl position, and if you want to be more adventurous, try the pretzel dip.
It may sound a little acrobatic, but offers deeper penetration. Lie on your side, while your partner kneels and straddles your bottom leg.
They should hold your top leg and wrap it around their side.
This move also allows your partner to simultaneously stimulate your clitoris, ticking all the boxes.
“A good orgasm position should penetrate a woman deeply, stimulate their clitoris and massage their breasts,”
Barbara explains. “Focusing on more than one spot can make your partner get to O-town faster than they imagined."
If you haven’t before, try masturbating next to your partner too, to help them learn exactly what turns you on.
Comparing diaries to set aside specific time for nooky might seem like the death of spontaneity, but it’s important – especially for busy couples who are like ships in the night, barely crossing paths.
“Just like you make time for exercise or coffee with friends, you need to add sex to your calendar. Although this doesn’t sound very romantic, designating time for intimacy not only builds arousal, but also makes sure sex remains a priority in your relationship,” says Limor.
Acting in the spur of the moment is fun, but you can use scheduling as an opportunity to plan a sexy outfit or get down to it in a different room – just make sure the house is empty!
Or if you both WFH, make the most of that time.
Who says sex has to happen at night?
Slip And slide
Don’t be shy – stock up on lube.
“Many believe lube is strictly for those who suffer from dryness during sex, but that isn’t the case. It can bring a lot of benefits to the bedroom,” says Pippa.
“It can enhance pleasure by creating different sensations, like a warming or cooling effect wherever it’s applied.
“Some can even delay ejaculation, perfect for those who want sex to last longer.
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“Plus, a study from Indiana University’s Center for Sexual Health showed lube makes it 50% easier for everyone to orgasm.”
Try silky Yes Water-Based Intimate Lubricant, £7.99, and you may never look back…
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