10 mistakes you're probably making when sexting – and how to do it better
Sexting can be a wonderful thing, especially when you’re in a long-distance relationship and can’t get physically intimate.
But it can also go very, very wrong.
From cringe-worthy messages to sexts sent to the wrong person, the art of sexy texting can be a minefield.
To help us navigate this arena a little better, relationships expert Neil Wilkie highlights ten common sexting mistakes you might be making – and how to get sexting right.
You cross boundaries
It’s easy to get carried away when the texts get hot and heavy – but be careful not to go too wild.
A good rule of thumb is this: would you express these desires in person? Would the recipient be keen on this kind of chat when you’re together? If not, what you’re pondering might not be suitable for a sext.
It’s essential to know where your partner’s boundaries are and ensure you’re not crossing them, even within the context of sexting.
Neil tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Do you know what is acceptable to them and what might be well outside of their comfort zone? If you cross the line, you might lose them for ever.
‘Try checking in with them to find out where their boundaries are. What would they like and what would they definitely feel unhappy with?
‘In between these is the stretch zone that you might subtly start to play in and see how far you can both go…’
Your sexts are boring
The ultimate sexting crime? Messages that trigger boredom, not arousal.
‘It is easy to get stuck in a rut of saying the same old things,’ says Neil. ‘If you or they yawn when you read a sext, you are either very tired or need something much better.
‘Understand the difference in the real world between hot, urgent sex and a long, slow build up to a wonderfully intimate orgasm. The former is loud and crude. The latter requires creativity, variety and subtle teasing language building to a crescendo. Which one do you want and ask which does your partner want?’
You send sexts to the wrong person
It happens, we know. Try to prevent it by double checking who each message is to before pressing send.
Your language is a turn-off
What works for one person will be sickening to another. Outside of the sexting moment, take some time to chat through your partner’s turn-ons and turn-offs.
The last thing you want is to send a message that you think is fire, but makes your partner cringe into oblivion.
‘A dick pic might be a turn on for some but might be a real yuck for others,’ notes Neil, ‘as might shouty sex language rather than subtle language.’
You create embarrassment
‘Once said it cannot been unsaid,’ says Neil. ‘What could embarrass you or them if it got posted on social media for the whole world to see?
‘If you have dreams of having a high profile role, such as being an MP, in a few years, you need to ensure that a casual sext would not create a blockage to your hopes.
‘It is unlikely that any sexts would pass the “Would my grandmother approve” test but you need to check with yourself whether anything you text could, out of context, become embarrassing to you. If you think it could, hold back.’
You’re not sure if the person you’re sexting is who they say they are
If you’re still considering calling up Nev Schulman, perhaps don’t send the person you’re chatting to a picture of your bits – or a message detailing your most private desires.
Before you sext, make sure you know who you’re speaking to and that they’re someone you trust.
‘You really need to check that you are not being taken advantage of as it could end up being expensive and very messy,’ notes Neil. ‘If they are new to you, how did you find them, what is their name and background and what are their social media profiles like? If they seem too good to be true, then they probably are not real.’
You leave your sexts visible to others
Neil says: ‘What would happen if your boss, colleagues, mother, children, partner saw your sexts? Would the ground open up and swallow you?
‘Make sure that your phone is locked when you are not using it and, if possible, delete texts as they do not need to be part of your heritage.’
You do it at the wrong time
Choose the timing of your sext wisely.
Are they (or you) at work? Busy? Stressed out? Now might not be the time to get sexy.
Neil says: ‘Understand that sexts can have real meaning and are not disposable. Create and send them when the time is right, and you are focused.’
You’re in the wrong headspace
It’s not just about your physical location or the practicality of the moment. Are you mentally ready to give your best sexting performance?
If you’re a bit grouchy, doing it because you feel like you ‘should’, or pretending to be turned on when actually you’re down in the dumps, that will start to come through.
You don’t check your sexts before you hit send
A typo can really kill the moment.
‘Auto correct or fumble fingers may have turned your beautifully constructed sexual sonnet into a mess,’ says Neil.
‘Hold back and try Tantric texting! Be subtle and slowly build the momentum. Savour the response, pause, write and then check that this fits with the flow, is understandable, says what you mean and then press send.’
Neil Wilkie is a relationship expert, psychotherapist, author of the Relationship Paradigm Series of Books and creator of online couples therapy programme, The Relationship Paradigm.
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