‘I fear my boyfriend will never ask me to marry him – because of his parents’

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my lovely boyfriend for nearly five years and we both turn 30 this year. We love each other very much and are the best of friends, too. There’s no doubting the commitment on either side.

We bought a place together last year after saving like mad for ages and with some generous donations from our families. Life is perfect – well, nearly.

My dilemma is, I really want to get married, but I know it’s not that important to him.

Weirdly, his parents never married, but are still together more than 30 years later and seem very happy, so I guess they are his role models.

Also, his older sister has a baby with her partner, but they don’t seem to have any plans to marry either.

On the other hand, my parents are much more traditional, marrying when they were 25 and 26.

My boyfriend has always known I’d love to be married and I know his reluctance isn’t down to doubts about our relationship – he just doesn’t get it. Should I propose to him instead? I don’t want another year to go by feeling like this.

Coleen says

I think you need to be a bit careful this issue doesn’t start to overwhelm your otherwise great relationship. There’s nothing more off-putting than feeling pressured into something and it can actually make you more determined to go in the opposite direction.

And do you really want to feel that you frogmarched him down the aisle? I think you’re right – your boyfriend’s reluctance to marry isn’t because he’s not committed to you, he just doesn’t see the relevance, ­especially when his own parents have been happily unmarried for years.

But I do think it’s important to listen to each other’s viewpoints and consider them. Perhaps if you explain to him why taking that step is ­important to you then his attitude might soften.

Maybe he thinks it’s all about the party, the expense and a public show of commitment, which he isn’t into. Lots of people aren’t. But maybe there’s a compromise to be had. Is a big white wedding what you want or is it just being married to him that’s important?

You could always “run off” together and tie the knot and have a small ­celebration with family afterwards. There are lots of options.

Yes, one of them is that you could pop the question, but just be prepared you might not get the answer you’re hoping for.

I think talking about it honestly is the way forward.

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