LalalaLetMeExplain breaks down biggest relationship red flags and how to spot them

Many women have come to rely on LalalaLetMeExplain’s no-frills approach to love and relationship advice. Now, OK!'s love and relationships columnist, social media sensation and author of Block, Delete, Move On, has devised a definitive list of the men we should swerve without fail.

Make sure your red flag radar is in full working order so you (if you’re a heterosexual woman) and your loved ones, can show Mr Wrong the door…

Red Flag 1: He won't stop telling me he's a feminist

Lala says: “There are two types of this guy. First, the one who knows he isn’t a feminist by any stretch of the imagination but pretends to be one because he realises that doing so makes it much easier to manipulate women into trusting him. Then there’s the type who genuinely thinks that he’s a feminist but also believes that his feminism entitles him to earn respect from women. Deep down, he feels that we owe him something for defending our corner. It can be easy to fall into the trap of handing out medals to nice men for simply being nice because the bar is set so low. Steer clear.”

Most likely to say: “I hear what you’re saying, but not all men are like that.”

Red Flag 2: When he only thinks about himself

Lala says: “There are two types of narcissist – covert (the ‘woe is me’ types who blame the world for their lack of success) and overt (think arrogant, like Donald Trump). They’ll always stay in touch with you, at least once a year, usually on birthdays or significant events. Why? Because they like to keep people interested in them, even if they have no intention of ever making a relationship work – they can’t stand the thought of someone not wanting them. They’ll also use negging (using back-handed compliments or outright insults intentionally to destroy self-esteem).”

Most likely to say: “I’ve just noticed you have quite a big nose. Don’t get upset… you know I’m only joking.”

Red Flag 3: When he wants you to know about his spirituality

Lala says: “His constant declarations of wokeness and enlightenment can fool you into thinking that he’s karmically allergic to mistreating another human. But, alas, he’s well versed in treating people badly. He just never takes responsibility for it – because the universe ‘made him do it’. He’s always trying to teach you something, to leave you feeling in awe of him, indebted to him or inferior to him. He might claim that he has magical healing hands, convincing you that he can spiritually cleanse you or bring you closer to the light through the power of touch alone.”

Most likely to say: “Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, but I took some time out to heal and I didn’t need bad energy.”

Red Flag 4: When he doesn't believe in labels

Lala says: “This is problematic only if you’re looking for something more than casual. He’ll want to take things slowly, and you’ll be cool with this suggestion because, in the early stages, you won’t have caught feelings yet, so it sounds doable. The idea of taking things slowly gives you hope. You may think that what he says at this stage doesn’t matter because, eventually, you’ll entice him to be your boyfriend with your delightful personality and life-changing vagina. But let me make it very clear: if he explicitly tells you that he’s not looking for more than sex and he offers no glimmer of hope for a relationship, if you end up getting involved and getting hurt, that’s not because of him – it’s because you didn’t listen. Harsh but true.”

Most likely to say: “It’s so hard not to fall in love with you, but I’ve just come out of a long-term relationship so I’m not looking for anything serious.”

Red Flag 5: When he relies on you financially

Lala says: “It’s OK to be unemployed and to date unemployed people – life comes at you hard and fast and unemployment can hit anyone at any time; there should be no judgement of this. However, there are scenarios in which perpetual unemployment isn’t just an unfortunate life turn, it’s a lifestyle choice. If we are dating those people, then we really do have to ask ourselves why we’re OK with financially supporting him while he works on his mixtapes and contributes absolutely nothing apart from regular sex.”

Most likely to say: “You’re going to love my new flat, but I’ve got to wait for the current tenants to move out. Do you mind if I stay here for a few nights?”

Red Flag 6: When he shows signs of abusive behaviour

Lala says: “Heed the early warning signs and take action as soon as you spot them. Please do not think that violence is only physical, often it’s not. Control is violence; emotional abuse is violence; sexual control or abuse is violence; financial control is violence; the threat of violence is violence. If you experience any of these things, you’re in a violent relationship even if he’s never hit you. There’s no prototype or other physically identifiable features. They can come in any shape or size, age, ethnicity or class, or from any walk of life.”

Most likely to say: “Make sure you answer all my calls straight away while you’re out with your friends. I want to make sure you’re safe.”

Red Flag 7: When he doesn't understand his privilege

Lala says: “Mostly educated at Eton and Oxbridge, he’s recognisable by his Barbour jacket, brogues and Queen’s English accent. He comes from old money and has been raised with the belief that everyone can be wealthy if they work hard enough and that those who are poor are poor because they’re lazy. He calls his mum ‘Mummy’ and feels angry at the thought that anyone might expect those in higher tax brackets to fund free school meals. He’ll enjoy rugby and getting blotto with his pals at the races.”

Most likely to say: “I can’t believe that’s how you pronounce foie gras. Now, be a good girl and get me a drink, will you?”

Block, Delete, Move On: It’s Not You, It’s Them by LalalaLetMeExplain (Transworld Digital, £12.99) is available from this week.

If you’re in need of help for abusive relationships, don’t suffer in silence. Call the Refuge Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

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