Lack of respect is to blame for awful sex lives

Sometimes it just takes a few small words to make big picture fall into place. And this week, in this current climate of religious despair and disgust, such enlightenment came to me courtesy of a rabbi.

We have deleted the thrill that is anticipation; the dance that is the chase; the gratitude of giving.

“Sex is broken,” American Orthodox Jewish rabbi, author, TV host and public speaker Shmuel "Shmuley" Boteach claimed on the ABC’s Q&A program, encapsulating my view on modern mating, dating and relating, succinctly and unequivocally.

“Sex is about intimacy,” he proclaimed. “Sex is the motion that brings forth emotion.”

Herein lies the essence of an argument I have been having with fellow feminists, hook-up habitual millennials and porn-obsessed men, which is that sex has turned into something so bereft of tenderness, passion and intimacy, it has become something either boring and banal at best or violent and exploitative at worst.

“Many said it could not be done but, alas, we accomplished what no generation before us has ever achieved — we killed off sex," the rabbi wrote in an essay in the Jewish Journal.

“The proliferation of pornography and the rebellion against the supposed rigidity of marriage mark this era [the sexual revolution] as the beginning of intimacy’s end. Add to those influences the introduction of televisions, cell phones and tablets in almost all of our nation’s bedrooms, and we created the greatest threats to sex in human history.

“And then, the #MeToo movement and the painful sexual scandals that riddled the Catholic church put the final nails in the coffin of sex. Whatever was left of sex became something ugly, vulgar and bestial.” In the end, he adds, “The sexual revolution allowed feminine sexual wisdom to be eclipsed by masculine sexual exploitation.”

Despite my liberal (please note the lower case) leanings and devout feminism, I couldn’t agree more. I have heard the arguments that today women are simply behaving the way men have always, exercising their libidos without shame or stigma. However, what I’m seeing in the wash-up of all this liberation is a lot of women longing for a committed relationship, who aren’t finding it.

I am seeing young women walking away from casual hook-ups aware a follow-up is not required or likely, but hoping for some sort of acknowledgment that they are more than a receptacle, regardless. I am witnessing women pressured into sex acts they are not comfortable with; never having their own erotic needs satisfied; and seeking affection in sex and getting none. I am seeing girlfriends in sexless marriages desperate to reignite sparks and others withholding intercourse as a punishment or as a result of sheer exhaustion and/or lack of self-esteem.

We have lost the subtleties that come slowly with romantic trust, fumbles and all. Credit:Shutterstock

And let’s not forget men, who are also telling me they are suffering. One dear friend back in the dating game told me of his recent horror stories – a woman who told him he was “rubbish” in bed for not being aggressive enough and another who baulked at being kissed, saying she “just isn’t used to it”.

Then there’s the married men; lotharios who can’t keep it in their pants and others who have no choice but to, with reluctant partners with low libidos. And lest we forget those men lost in the pit that is porn, gradually descending to depths of depravity that result in shame and distorted views of conventional copulation that makes “real” sex a literal anti-climax.

“As sex became more available, it lost its mystery and potency," Rabbi Shmuley writes, again reflecting my own views. “Devoid of its magic, sex suddenly became a lot less interesting than watching Game of Thrones. Sex as recreation led directly to the advent and ubiquity of pornography, and to the mainstreaming of degrading slogans like Playboy’s ‘Entertainment for Men’. Is that what women are – a form of entertainment?”

Far from entertaining are the recent and omnipresent depictions of sex as abuse, the betrayal of innocents at the hands of the clergy and the endemic abuse of women exposed by #MeToo. This has resulted in women refusing to be leered at and men too scared to even look. Yet amidst all of this pain and confusion is the undeniable biological and sociological urge – make that need – to connect.

“The procreative instinct is the single most compelling impulse known to humankind,” the rabbi writes. “I know that women don’t want sex to be something dirty and abusive. I know that for all the horror stories we’ve been subjected to during the past year, and for all the sexual degradation that so many women have experienced at the hands of men, women still hope for, long for and believe in something higher. They still believe that sex can be about respect, mutuality and love. They still long for a passionate connection with a man who loves and respects them.”

And herein lies what I feel is the cause of death of sex as we see it today – respect. And that goes for both sexes. We have lost the subtleties that come slowly with romantic trust, fumbles and all. We have deleted the thrill that is anticipation; the dance that is the chase; the gratitude of giving. So, if we want to get it on, we are going to have to get on and respect each other – body and soul. It is my fervent hope we do because the alternative is not just the dissolution of love, but humanity.

Wendy Squires is a regular columnist.

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