“How can I talk to my friend about their toxic relationship?”
Written by Amy Beecham
Talking to a friend about their toxic partner may be awkward, but this is why it’s essential.
The discourse around mental health has done so much to open our eyes to the ways that we can and should be protecting our wellbeing in our families, our work and our relationships.
Not only are we increasingly aware of everything from red flags to emotional abuse, many of us would also like to think thatwe’d always be able to recognise negging, gaslighting or coercive control by a partner.
However, when you’re deep in toxic environments, it’s easy to become blinded to the truth that seems so obvious to others. It’s at these times that we rely most on our nearest and dearest, and those who are able to guide us through difficult situations with a clarity we don’t yet possess ourselves.
However, if you’re the friend charged with tackling an awkward conversation with a loved one, it can be hard to know where to start.
“As a friend of someone who you think is in a toxic relationship, it can be quite an awkward situation to tackle,” assertiveness coach Jodie Salt tells Stylist.
“Given that there’s a fair chance they can’t see this for themselves, they’re likely to make excuses for their partner, so it’s important you tread carefully.”
“Telling a friend or family member that you have concerns about their new partner is an extremely difficult thing to do,” adds Elaine Parker, CEO and founder of dating app Safer Date.
“The last thing you will want to do is upset or alienate them – especially when they may seem really happy – but it’s so important that you do not ignore your feelings.”
What can a toxic relationship behaviour look like?
“At its most obvious, toxic and threatening behaviour can look like frequent lying, controlling your relationships, managing your money and even physical violence,” explains Salt.
“But in relationships, toxic behaviour can also be subtle. It can look like anything from continued silent treatment to constantly talking over you or gaslighting you as a form of covert emotional abuse.”
How to tell a friend that you’re worried about their relationship
“Talking is definitely the right place to start, but if you really feel that it is too difficult or that your friend won’t listen, try Clare’s Law,” suggests Parker.
Clare’s Law was set up in 2014 to let people find out if their partner, or a friend’s partner, has a history of domestic violence. You can request a Clare’s Law check through your local police force by visiting a police station, phoning 101 or contacting your local police via email.
If you’re feeling apprehensive about the conversation, Salt identifies three critical stages to broaching the subject: intent, self-awareness and assertiveness.
“Make sure your intent is clean and kind,” she says. “Your motivation has got to be because you genuinely want to help your friend and you deeply care about them. This is what you have to communicate above all else, even if it feels uncomfortable.”
Salt goes on to explain that your aim should be to raise your friend’s awareness, rather than barging in and demanding they ditch their partner. “It’s about raising their levels of self-awareness,” she shares. “Educate them about what toxic behaviour looks like and how they can identify it in their own relationship.
“To avoid triggering defensiveness, lead with curiosity. You might say something like: “Have you come across the term ‘gaslighting’? I’ve been reading a bit about it because I’ve noticed a few things in the way your partner acts. Can we talk about that?”
Finally, Salt stresses the importance of sharing with you observed in a considerate but confident way.
“That means being a great listener and not just saying what you need to say,” she says, “Keep checking in with your friend about how what you’re sharing with them is landing.”
She recommends being specific about the behaviours you have noticed, rather than your opinions on the person.
“It might sound like: “I noticed when we were at dinner that your partner talks over you and mocks what you have to say. When you were sharing your great news from work last week, they interrupted and made a comment about how pathetic it was. I saw how deflated you were but you just brushed it off. How did that make you feel?”
She continues: “Being assertive is about being bold and brave in sharing the truth, but at the same time really considerate and compassionate about how that might impact your friend.
“It might take more than one conversation to get your friend to see the reality of what’s going on. Stick with it and remember to go gently.”
If you are concerned about your own wellbeing or the wellbeing of someone else, in the UK, the domestic violence helpline is 0808 2000 247. Alternatively, contact Women’s Aid or Refuge for advice and support.
Images: Getty
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