CAROLINE WEST-MEADS: I wish his children would move out
CAROLINE WEST-MEADS: I wish his children would move out
Q My partner and I have been together for nine years and we both have children from previous marriages.
We live in a house that was originally his but which we have made into a lovely home together.
My children are older and have flown the nest.
However, his two still live with us – even though the eldest is 25.
They are nice kids and I get on with them both – but I am feeling resentful that they are still living here.
They are nice kids and I get on with them both – but I am feeling resentful that they are still living here. Stock image used
He is a great dad but I feel he is too soft – he seems duty-bound to do everything he can for them.
We have a comfortable lifestyle and they have their friends over whenever they like, so life is easy for them – hence their preferring to live with him rather than their mum, who is stricter and has a history of alcoholism.
We have always fallen out over his children as he dislikes me having an opinion on anything to do with them – yet he was happy for me to run them around and provide for them.
I feel like I live with him and the kids, rather than the other way round. I almost ended it but we do love each other and he begged me to stay, so we are working on the issues.
I feel guilty for feeling this way but shouldn’t our relationship be as important?
A I can see how difficult it must be living in your husband’s house and feeling a bit like a guest. It can’t be easy when it is constantly full of his children’s friends. You ask: ‘Shouldn’t our relationship be as important?’
This is always difficult in second marriages/relationships, especially if you have different views on bringing up children.
Normally, I feel that children (even adult ones) should take priority and that sometimes a couple’s relationship will have to accommodate that.
However, there are limits, and your partner’s children do sound overindulged. I suspect he is soft because he feels guilty about splitting up the family – and they are taking advantage of that.
He may be frightened that if he says no to them, they won’t love him any more. Because of his ex-wife’s difficulties with alcohol, he may also be overprotective – perhaps he was constantly having to sort out crises or shield them from her drunkenness.
But it will not be good for them to keep depending on your husband in this way – they need to learn to live their own lives otherwise they will never properly grow up. Don’t give up on the relationship.
I’m sure that it can be resolved – you clearly love each other and are both trying hard. But as you keep clashing against each other’s opinions, I recommend couples counselling together with relate.org.uk. If your partner can see that greater independence will benefit his children in the long term, he may understand that things need to change.
SHOULD I PUT WITH THIS CONSTANT CRITICISM?
Q I am in my early 50s. My last relationship ended abruptly five years ago after my partner of four years turned out to be living a secret life and was wanted by police for appalling sex crimes.
This made me determined to stay single and to focus only on cat rescue. Then, out of the blue, I reconnected with someone from my past. I’m extremely attracted to him and like the fact that he is not a doormat. However, after eight weeks, he has started criticising me – calling me names, asking if I’ve put on weight and saying that I am wrinkled like a smoker.
He says my friends pander to me and that I am always flirting with older men. I know he’s had family problems and I think he needs help with anger management. Should I help him confront these issues or cut all ties?
After eight weeks, he has started criticising me – calling me names, asking if I’ve put on weight and saying that I am wrinkled like a smoker. Stock image used
A Don’t walk away from this man – run! I am sorry to be blunt but there are so many red flags. However exciting the relationship seems, no matter how attracted you are, this man will make you unhappy.
Of course, all couples have arguments and get angry, but calling your partner names is never acceptable and shows a lack of respect for you as a person.
He undermines you and makes unkind comments on your appearance that are designed to hurt – if you stay, this will only get worse. It must have been devastating for you to discover the truth about your former partner.
Sadly, this has damaged your self-esteem, making you vulnerable to men – like this new one – who treat you badly. Please have counselling to address this before you get sucked into a relationship that could hurt you further.
If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. You can follow Caroline on Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
CAROLINE READS ALL YOUR LETTERS BUT REGRETS SHE CANNOT ANSWER EACH ONE PERSONALLY
Source: Read Full Article