Dear Coleen: I’m like a surrogate mum to my lazy, tight-fisted partner
Dear Coleen, I’ve been in a relationship for two years. I made the mistake of being overly accommodating from day one by offering to pick him up and drop him off after dates as he doesn’t drive.
I used to go to his place at first as I wasn’t bothered about him meeting my family early on.
We both still live with our parents, although his mum stays out a lot with her partner, so it was more convenient to stay at his.
But two years on, he’s been to my house about six times and will only come here if I pick him up and drop him back home.
He also claims he struggles with being at people’s houses.
His mother’s family all pick up their adult children from work and none of them get public transport – he doesn’t get how weird this is!
Dear Coleen: How do I tell my best mate I'm sleeping with his wife?
Dear Coleen: Upsetting that hubby won’t move on from family feud
He refuses to get a bus to mine due to cost and the time it takes. So I suggested he contributes to petrol money, but he gives me a hard time every time I bring it up.
It really is getting me down and makes me feel I’m not worth making any effort for.
I don’t want to break up over this, but he won’t take this seriously and I blame myself partly as I’ve bent over backwards to ferry him around.
He’s 30, but acts like he’s 16!
Coleen says
Until I got to the end of your letter, I was convinced the pair of you were 18.
It seems he’s so used to his mother doing everything for him that he hasn’t been able to launch himself into the real world and you’re his surrogate mum.
Dear Coleen: Mother-in-law snubs me in favour of my husband’s ex
OK, so that’s an issue – do you really want to be with someone you have to treat like a child?
A good relationship is about equality and teamwork, and not expecting the other person to do everything for you.
Also, I think what’s really getting to you is that his failure to make any effort leaves you feeling that he’s not committed or doesn’t care enough about you or your relationship.
I think you need to get a lot tougher and get him to show you what he’s made of and that he’s serious about your relationship.
Stop running around after him and, if he wants to see you, then he’ll get on the bus, or ask his mum for a lift.
I think you need to be careful about a long-term commitment to someone who seems as if they just can’t be bothered.
Life throws up challenges and you have to be able to weather the storms together and not have him running back to his mum all the time.
Dear Coleen
I’m a gay woman and have been out since I was 22 and I’m now 34. A few months ago, I started seeing a fantastic woman who’s in her 20s and only recently came out as lesbian to family and friends.
She decided to tell them because our relationship was getting serious and didn’t want to hide it.
However, it’s backfired quite dramatically. Her parents had no idea about her sexuality, as she’d previously dated men. They were quite shocked.
They also got on really well with her ex-partner and seem to have taken his side in all of this, even though they’d broken up before I was on the scene.
They haven’t handled it well and it’s having a big impact on my girlfriend.
I feel guilty that our relationship has caused all this stress for her and divided her family. Should I say something to them? Do you have any ideas?
Coleen says
I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about – your relationship might have been the catalyst for your girlfriend deciding to come out but, even if you hadn’t been on the scene, I suspect they would have reacted in the same way.
I think it’s good you’re concerned about your girlfriend and her relationships with family, but it’s really up to them to work through it. And it’s her family’s issue to deal with.
I don’t know why they’ve reacted so badly, but I hope they’ll put their daughter’s happiness first and start to build bridges once the dust has settled. Right now, they seem more concerned with themselves and their own expectations than what’s right for their daughter.
Be supportive (and don’t get involved in bad-mouthing her family), then take a step back and focus on your relationship. It’s not easy to bow out when someone you love is hurting, but your girlfriend is the best person to talk to her family.
Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my early 30s and have been with my girlfriend, who I live with, for 10 years.
I haven’t been happy for a while and finally realised I wanted out about six months ago, but I’ve just been coasting since then, hoping I’d feel differently.
I care about her as a friend, but I know I’m not in love with her any more and that it’s definitely over.
I don’t think she feels the same, though, which makes it so hard to end. Can you help?
Coleen says
There’s no getting away from the fact it’s a very hard thing to do, especially if your partner seems happy and has no idea
how you feel.
I think it’s also hard to call time on a long-term relationship, even when you know it’s the right decision, because you’ve invested so much of yourself in it and have been bound together a long time.
There isn’t an easy way out I’m afraid, but it’s better to confront it now than leave things to drag on.
If you carry on in this limbo, unhappiness and resentment will grow – you might even have an affair and neither of you will get a chance to start again with someone else.
So be brave and start the conversation.
One of the hardest things for people at the end of a relationship is not having any proper dialogue with their ex or any real answers as to why it’s over.
So do your best to be honest without being hurtful.
Source: Read Full Article