I have an open relationship but fear my girlfriend has fallen for a hook-up
DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend and I have a great arrangement – we’re a couple and if either of us fancies a bit of extra fun with someone else, that’s fine too.
So our sex life is still fresh and exciting — we’re always up for trying new things.
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We have three simple rules: we only sleep with someone else once, there is no bragging to each other, and we don’t grill each other about our hook-ups.
I’m 28 and my girlfriend is 27.
While our open relationship has been brilliant for three years, I’m worried she has broken a rule. I think she’s started an affair with a girlfriend of hers and it has completely thrown me.
I only ever envisioned her with other men. I don’t think I could compete if she falls for another woman.
Last week I dropped by the bar she manages to have a drink while she finished up — it’s a habit we both used to enjoy.
Walking into the bar, I heard giggling from the back office. They must have heard me because when I opened the door my girlfriend and this friend were hastily rearranging their clothes.
In line with our agreement, it wasn’t discussed afterwards. Instead I stifled all the questions on the tip of my tongue.
But now she’s messaging this woman constantly and I saw a notification from her friend thanking her for the “perfect rematch”. It seems that not only is she getting it on with a woman but they have had sex more than once.
Until now I’ve loved our relationship. I’ve had a varied sex life without feeling guilty — it was all going so well.
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DEIDRE SAYS: While it seemed you had the perfect agreement – watertight with mutually agreed rules – unfortunately opening up your relationship to third parties introduces a level of uncertainty.
And with that uncertainty invariably jealousy and insecurity visit.
It’s time to rip up the rule book and start talking to your girlfriend. Let her know how you are feeling and talk about where you both want your relationship to go.
Perhaps you are feeling upset because you want to take the relationship further. Is this arrangement a way of avoiding commitment?
Trust is key in any relationship and even if you both decide you want to carry on with your open relationship, scrapping the “you can’t talk about other hook-ups rule” will at least ensure you are working through any issues that crop up.
I’m sending you my support pack Looking After Your Relationship to help you both.
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