There’s been no intimacy with my partner for 12 years

Dear Coleen

I’m a man of 48 and my partner is 60. We’ve been together for nearly 20 years and are going through what appears to be a one-sided struggle on my part. Her mother died 12 years ago and, since then, she hasn’t wanted to be intimate with me.

I have talked about this with her many times, but nothing changes. At first she blamed the menopause, then she blamed grieving. I was patient and kept communicating with her and suggested bereavement counselling, but she doesn’t want to do it.

I have talked to her about seeing a relationship counsellor and she agrees at first, then backs out.

Now every time I mention the lack of intimacy she goes mad and says, “Back to this again are we?”.

It’s not about sex. I can understand that since the menopause her sex drive has disappeared but I just want cuddles, kisses and nice words.

I feel so lonely inside. I never have human contact and feel like I’m wasting my life. She says she loves me, but I feel like I’m a companion only. I have considered leaving her and even cheating, but I can’t do that.

I love her so much, but it definitely feels like I’m just a friend.

Coleen says

The truth is, it could be a combination of factors – bereavement and perhaps associated depression, along with the menopause. She sounds very stuck and a bit in denial, like this isn’t an important issue. Lack of sex is OK if both partners are of the same mindset, but you’re clearly not.

You’ve obviously tried really hard to open up conversations, but she shuts you down and won’t engage.

The age difference between you is probably also coming into play and putting pressure on you both.

Often, it’s not a problem until later in life when the younger partner is still trying to move forward and the other is content to just, well, stop.

If you love her and want to stay with her, then I think relationship counselling is definitely the way forward.

Explain to her that you’ve reached a crisis point and, for you, it’s the only option. Right now, she’s constantly dismissing you and you're taking it.

You have to stop doing that and ask her to really listen to you if she wants the relationship to last.

As you say, it’s not just about sex, the intimacy has gone, but it is something that can be rebuilt if both of you are prepared to put in the effort.

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