I've been married for 12 years but I can't resist having secret sex with other swingers

Five years ago I was offered promotion at work. It meant working irregular shifts but the money and the opportunities were too good to turn down. The trouble was that the shift pattern affected my marriage because my wife was often in bed asleep when I came home.

In my teens I used to watch porn online, and a couple of years ago when I got in late one evening I idly looked for it again. After that I started watching porn late into the night, sometimes for up to four hours at a time.

I would pleasure myself to it every now and then but most times I would just watch it. Now I realise I’ve become addicted to it. One evening last year I came across a swingers’ site and found it really exciting.

Then I noticed details about a swingers’ party in a city near us. I told myself I was just curious but I knew I’d lie to my wife and go.

I joined in with a couple of group sex sessions and really enjoyed the evening. But afterwards I felt guilty so I decided not to do that again. I have been seeing prostitutes every week instead.

Although I don’t feel good about it, I can’t resist. I have recently been promoted again and am back working days. I should be pleased but the trouble is I have lost interest in sex with my wife, though I can’t stop using porn or going to prostitutes.

I know I will lose everything if I don’t stop but I realise I am addicted and just don’t know how to.

DEIDRE SAYS: Porn lets you get physical sexual satisfaction without having to consider anyone else’s feelings – and paying for sex brings the buzz of secret illicit sex.

The trouble is that both tend to blunt your responses to sex with a loving partner who you care for. You are risking your marriage and everything that you hold dear. I’m sure you’ve Imagined trying to justify your behaviour to your sons.

You’ve realised this is sexual addiction, which doesn’t justify it but does mean you need support to change. Sex Addicts Anonymous could help (saauk.info, or call 07599 917686).

Tell your wife you realise you have been neglecting her and your sex life together. My e-leaflet 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex can help.

You have been putting your sexual health at risk so first have a sexual health check.

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